Their Eyes Were Watching the Clock

The entire Oscar ceremony was so dull and void of excitement or anything memorable that I can't be bothered to say much more than that about it. Presenting awards in the seats? Trotting nominees onto the stage? All as uncomfortable to watch as I predicted it would be. Where was the funny? Rock was OK, but NONE of the presenters were funny. There certainly wasn't the equivalent of Will Ferrell and Jack Black's "Boring" song from last year. So, no real review here. But I did feel the need to jot some things down as I was watching it, so I give to you--My 77th Annual Academy Awards notes. Links to photos subject to change without my knowledge, thus ruining the joke in most cases.

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First unfortunate cut of the night: Chris Rock riffing on the singing, dancing, and shooting that occurs at other awards shows--and there's a cut to P. Diddy.

Did Morgan Freeman just say "Heavens to mergatroid" when he got on stage for his Oscar?

Beyonce sings in French! Is that choir boy crying? Because I sure am.

Why is Billy Crudup in a MasterCard commercial? (Really. Can someone answer that for me?)

Who was that crazed man that just ran out and handed Rock a microphone?

And the winner of the Wasp Waist Award goes to Scarlett Johhaannsson! Is that why her voice sounds so much higher?

AAAH! MICKEY ROONEY!

Johnny Depp is wearing the necktie formally known as Prince.

All those younger women married to guys in their 70s? Congratulations: you're the wife that gets to change his diapers.

That rotating pie carousel of Oscars is distracting.

Salma Hayek what the hell are you saying? I don't even know what the award you're giving out is for now.

Antonio, the only way you can save this performance is if you hop on that motorcycle and do a wheelie down the aisle. It's also a good way to dry your hair! Seriously, what's that about?

Death Applause-o-Meter: Elmer Bernstein beats Reagan. Ossie Davis beats Chris Reeve. Rodney Dangerfield garners a "woo!" Brando beats them all. And no Sandra Dee!

Our fiff song will be performed by Josh Groban and...Beyonce! Oh good lord. Enough Beyonce already. Also, I think that's actually Luke Wilson's SNL impersonation of Josh Groban and not Groban himself.

I can't think of another year that's had five such completely shitty songs up for awards. Yeeks.

Fashionwise: Blue is the new black. And there are way too many beige, cream, and light colored dresses on blondes tonight. They look drab and washed out.

Hilary, I think you should also thank the cast and crew of The Next Karate Kid while you're at it. Sheesh. Trainers? Agents? Publicists? Get off the stage--you're boring.

Jamie Foxx--The tenth actor to be nominated in two acting categories the same night, and the first with a head tattoo.

Also, "Ray"? "Blind Justice"? Maybe blind is the new black...No, blue is still the new black, but blind is the new blue.

Clint Eastwood wins best director. OK. There goes the last chance for a truly memorable moment in this entire broadcast. That's it! I no longer care a lick. Goodnight.