Their Eyes Were Watching the Clock

The entire Oscar ceremony was so dull and void of excitement or anything memorable that I can't be bothered to say much more than that about it. Presenting awards in the seats? Trotting nominees onto the stage? All as uncomfortable to watch as I predicted it would be. Where was the funny? Rock was OK, but NONE of the presenters were funny. There certainly wasn't the equivalent of Will Ferrell and Jack Black's "Boring" song from last year. So, no real review here. But I did feel the need to jot some things down as I was watching it, so I give to you--My 77th Annual Academy Awards notes. Links to photos subject to change without my knowledge, thus ruining the joke in most cases.

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First unfortunate cut of the night: Chris Rock riffing on the singing, dancing, and shooting that occurs at other awards shows--and there's a cut to P. Diddy.

Did Morgan Freeman just say "Heavens to mergatroid" when he got on stage for his Oscar?

Beyonce sings in French! Is that choir boy crying? Because I sure am.

Why is Billy Crudup in a MasterCard commercial? (Really. Can someone answer that for me?)

Who was that crazed man that just ran out and handed Rock a microphone?

And the winner of the Wasp Waist Award goes to Scarlett Johhaannsson! Is that why her voice sounds so much higher?

AAAH! MICKEY ROONEY!

Johnny Depp is wearing the necktie formally known as Prince.

All those younger women married to guys in their 70s? Congratulations: you're the wife that gets to change his diapers.

That rotating pie carousel of Oscars is distracting.

Salma Hayek what the hell are you saying? I don't even know what the award you're giving out is for now.

Antonio, the only way you can save this performance is if you hop on that motorcycle and do a wheelie down the aisle. It's also a good way to dry your hair! Seriously, what's that about?

Death Applause-o-Meter: Elmer Bernstein beats Reagan. Ossie Davis beats Chris Reeve. Rodney Dangerfield garners a "woo!" Brando beats them all. And no Sandra Dee!

Our fiff song will be performed by Josh Groban and...Beyonce! Oh good lord. Enough Beyonce already. Also, I think that's actually Luke Wilson's SNL impersonation of Josh Groban and not Groban himself.

I can't think of another year that's had five such completely shitty songs up for awards. Yeeks.

Fashionwise: Blue is the new black. And there are way too many beige, cream, and light colored dresses on blondes tonight. They look drab and washed out.

Hilary, I think you should also thank the cast and crew of The Next Karate Kid while you're at it. Sheesh. Trainers? Agents? Publicists? Get off the stage--you're boring.

Jamie Foxx--The tenth actor to be nominated in two acting categories the same night, and the first with a head tattoo.

Also, "Ray"? "Blind Justice"? Maybe blind is the new black...No, blue is still the new black, but blind is the new blue.

Clint Eastwood wins best director. OK. There goes the last chance for a truly memorable moment in this entire broadcast. That's it! I no longer care a lick. Goodnight.

Oscar the Grouch

As you probably know, the Oscars are this Sunday. Weeee! I'm looking forward to the show with excitement, and a little dread after hearing about all these changes, and I've at least caught up on SOME of the nominees. I saw "The Aviator" on Monday, and liked it more than I thought I would. Also saw "Million Dollar Baby" a few weeks back, and frankly, I was a little underwhelmed. I'd like to post my predictions (and when I predict, it's for ALL the awards) but the truth is I usually don't make my final predictions until about an hour before the show starts...I will say that I HOPE Scorsese gets at least the director's statue. The rest of the awards? I don't really care too much about who wins or loses, which is kind of sad.

For others who like to predict every single award, Salon is giving people a chance to view some of the short film nominees, so you can watch a few of them and make an actual educated prediction. For the record I just watched "Gopher Broke" and "Guard Dog" and between those two? I really hope "Guard Dog" takes it.

I'm a Pepper

I think her designs were dreadfully dull. I don't think she'd be great fun to hang around with. I think she probably played the "smalltown mother" card a little too much. But I just do not get the intense hate people have for Wendy Pepper. It's not like she splashed paint all over someone else's designs, or pushed a fellow designer's model down the stairs so that she wouldn't be able to "walk fierce" down the runway. Just how did her scheming ever cause the other designers to create something the judges didn't like?? Really, how did her alleged backstabbing make the judges like her dresses?

Lost in La

I wonder, wonder, wonder if WonderCon would still top something like this convention for Lost fans in terms of sheer geekiness. I'm telling you, if I lived in LA, I'd be ALL over it...

Lost in Translation

I thought last night's Lost was pretty good. I liked finally getting Jin's side of the story, and that Hurley cameo on the TV in Korea was awesome. I love blink-and-you-miss it plot points! There are some interesting discussions going on in the link provided above, as well as some translation of the Korean that didn't get subtitled during the show. Particularily interesting is that during the final fight on the beach Jin tells Sun that he saw Walter start the fire, and that he ran over and burned his hands trying to put it out. Which leads me to wonder if Locke knows Korean, and if that's why he knew that the kid had started the fire. Or maybe he just knew because he's Locke and he knows everything...

As for Alias, it was a hell of a lot better than last week. The odor from that episode is still lingering around my TV set. I was happy to see Sark again, and have a return, as small as it was, of the whole Rambaldi craziness. However, I could not believe the nonchalant way Nadia talked about the time her Dad strapped her to a chair, pumped her up with some kind of crazy juice, and almost killed her in an attempt to channel Rambaldi, or whatever that was about. I don't recall her enjoying that experience at the time, but now she's all "Yeah, remember when my father kidnapped me and injected me with something that could very well be toxic and I went into a trance and started writing all that gobbledeegook? Yeah...Good times!"

The Countdown Begins

This week's SFist post is up, and it's about the Oscars. Of course I kind of express thoughts about the coming show that I have already expressed here, so it might not be new to some of you...

::whispers:: Go Wendy!

I'm glad to see I'm not the only person who actually thinks Project Runway's Wendy Pepper has been unfairly demonized. The finale is tonight, people!

I Hope the Script Isn't Filled With Medical Terms

America's "Next" Top Model, Eva Pigford, is going to be on tonight's episode of Kevin Hill. And if you recall the acting challenge they had during her season of ANTM, you know that this could be embarassing. Tune in!

Fat Storm Troopers

You can read more about my WonderCon weekend over at SFist now. It's kind of funny that the post was put together by three people who were at WonderCon on Saturday, but never actually met up the entire day...

My Family's Always Been In Meat

Edwin Neal

I went to WonderCon this weekend and all I got was this lousy t-shirt, four pins, some glow-in-the-dark blood, a poster, a postcard, and a hat.

Actually, I had a great time, and will probably post something about it on SFist soon. But I have to say that the most exciting celebrity sighting I had was Edwin Neal from the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre. He was the crazed hitchhiker the teens pick up in the beginning of the movie. You can't really tell in this photo, but he had a really bad toupe, and he was wearing a shirt that said "Tastes Like Chicken." And he was rad.

"I Hate to Advocate Drugs, Alcohol, Violence, or Insanity to Anyone...

...but they've always worked for me."

Holy crap! Hunter S. Thompson committed suicide today. I don't even know what to say about that.

And in COMPLETELY unrelated news, Sandra Dee also died today.

I wonder if their deaths will be acknowledged at next week's Oscars, (is there a cut off date for death tributes, like there is for release dates for movies to qualify for "Best Picture"?) And if they are mentioned, I wonder who will get the bigger applause...

My Name is Rain...And I Have a Drinking Problem

So at lunch today I got a V8 Juice Splash and asked the lady at the store if she had a straw. She regretfully informed me that she did not. So I left and prepared to drink my juice straight out of the bottle--like an animal!--and preceeded to dribble some all over my sweater. So I cleaned it off and took another sip and spilled it all over my front.

I'm like an infant!

Years of drinking everything with straws in order to prevent my lipstick from fading has caused me to completely forget how to drink like a normal person. Pathetic.

OK--That's Just Mean

While part of me is getting some joy from the media finally casting a critical eye on an aging actor, instead of an aging actress, I still think it's kind of mean how people can't seem to stop talking about Chris Noth's undereye bags.

For the Last Time: The Oscars Aren't Hip

And they will never BE hip!

Yep, the Academy Awards are a little over a week away, and the closer it gets, the more worried I get.

Geeks Ahoy!

I've been too excited about WonderCon to post anything. Except for this SFist post about WonderCon!

Meet Flipper's Evil Brother...Zipper!

This week's SFist post is up, up, and away! Catch it!

I Don't Know Much About Art

But I know what I like. And I like this. I wonder how much I can get for grease-covered reproduction hanging in my kitchen?

Speaking of the Beyond...

For fans of Medium, here's the REAL Allison DuBois. I wonder what Joe looks like in real life...

Text Messsages...From the Beyond!

Someone unknown to me kept sending me text messages yesterday, even though I insisted I did not know him. In an effort to find the person he's looking for I give to you, our text message exchange.

Him: Hi

...

Him: Too cool to say hello, huh?

Me: Don't know who u r!

This is rob, damn it

Rob who? This is Rain. U writing the right person?

Oh my god I was freakin with you you early today shit I was the one tellin you that I was about to go to sleep on your bed

Dude, I don't know U. U have the WRONG NUMBER!

Da black guy that always fall asleep on your couch
...

Shit fuckin ask porsche and courtney about me

At which point I finally called him and told him to stop sending me messages, that I did not know him, and that he had the wrong number. And then he asked me whose house I live in, and I said, "I live alone. DUDE! I DON'T KNOW YOU, OK?"

And then he hung up.

I Am In No Way Endorsing This

But some people might like to know that everyone's least favorite "Amazing Race" couple, Jonathan and Victoria, will be appearing on Dr. Phil's primetime special tonight. Will he be discussing Jonathan's abusive behavior? Or will the topic be "Famewhores and Their Neverending Quest for Another 15 Minutes"?

Call Me Naive...

But it never even really crossed my mind to think that Cheech and Chong were actually stoned while making their movies. They insist they never were. I mean, I didn't think Dudley Moore was actually completely tanked while filming the Arthur movies. And I know Jack Nicholson didn't actually get a lobotomy in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. All! Acting!

Your Urine Is Too Cold. Please Remove Your Pants.

This story just cracks me the hell up.

Oh, Is That the Definition of "Job"?

Appears I will have to spend most of my day actually working. (Sheesh. You'd think I was at "work" or something.) So I'll just take this opportunity to remind you that Chris Noth will be on L&O:CI Sunday. That also reminds me that I had a DREAM about the show, in which I was IN an episode, and it was apparently the pilot episode, and I was talking to Detective Goren (dreamy Vince) about his crazy mother. And for some reason, he was wearing a butcher's apron and working behind the counter at a meat market.

Theories about the meaning of this dream are gladly accepted.

Do You Also Remember When Alias Used To Be Amazing?

Last night's episode of Alias was the worst episode of the series I have ever seen, and I have seen them all. Man. Can we bury that whole hackneyed "drug makes you act CRAZY and see and hear things that aren't real happening" plot device from all TV shows from here on out? It's almost as bad as amnesia.

Which leads me to Lost. Not QUITE as bothered by the episode as I was by "Alias," but will say that the cliched amnesia plotline better come to a conclusion quickly, or the show will lose me. I like a mystery as much as the next gal, but if you don't reveal FACTS along the way it becomes tedious and boring. Let's get to the bottom of some of this island wackery, OK?

Remember When It Used to Be Amazing?

Well, I tried to link to a good article on Philly.com about changes that should be made on "The Amazing Race," but the link doesn't seem to be working. Agree with most of them, but would also suggest the removal of the Yield, and the stripping of money in the non-elimination rounds. These things haven't done anything to improve the show, and have rarely been an impediment to the teams they've been forced on. I'd also stop it with the damn bunching!!!

Oh, and also add that whole "Drop Your Load" team switcheroo thing we've talked about previously. That would be awesome.

Season eight is casting and this time the teams will be made up of families of four players, with the minimum age being 12. Not sure how I feel about that.

The Pink is Back!

The grey was depressing me, so in a slight tribute to Valentine's Day (feh) and Easter, I've brought back the pink. Isn't it so much more....pink?

Now on Wednesdays!

This week's SFist post is now up, and you may have noticed it's a day later than usual. Reason being it just fit better in my schedule to put it up on Wednesdays, so that will now be its regular day.

Nooooooooooooooooooo--th!

Chris Noth will permanently join the cast of Law & Order: Criminal Intent this fall, no doubt carving the way for possibly-looney D'Onofrio's exit.

I really, really hope that isn't the case. As much as I loved Noth on "Sex and the City," his sexy Mr. Big days are WAY behind him, and he's nowhere near the heartthrob Vince is.

He'll make his debut on this Sunday's episode of the show.

Huh?...."Amazing Race Season 6"? Never Heard of the Dude.

Yes. I am pretending that this season of TAR was just Khris and Jon's extended vacation video and that none of the other people or horrible events ever happened. Kendra who? Freddy what? Don't know 'em, sorry.

*sob*

Yeah. It was a heartbreak. An ending that would have only been topped by Jonathan and Victoria's winning (and that was mercifully removed as an option weeks ago). Instead, let's just move on and talk about season 7! Aside from the stunt casting of Rob and Ambah, and these scary bandana bimbos, it looks like this season might be relatively free of models, actors, and other beautiful fame whores. I'm actually a little excited!

I Was Robbed!...Seriously, I Was.

As some of you may have already heard, I lost my ATM card on Friday, and was subsequently robbed of over $1,000.

I think I stupidly left the card in an ATM, but the bizarre thing is, whoever took it was able to figure out my PIN because they didn't use the card as a Visa, only as an ATM card. Which means they were able to also go to ATMs directly and take out cold hard cash. Now, my PIN was not written anywhere on the card, and it's not super-easy or anything. And when I last used the ATM there was no one else around me (it was one of the ATMs where you have to swipe your card to get into the building). A friend suggested perhaps a bank employee took it! Who knows. All I know is whoever got it was also able to enjoy a $500 shopping spree at Macy's.

It's one thing to get the money back (and I really hope the bank credits me). But it would be so nice to actually see a picture of the perp, and find out who actually did this. Just to fulfill my curiosity!

America's Next Top Models -- Or Not

The latest batch of contestants for the fourth season of America's Next Top Model have been announced, and there's not a plus-size gal amongst them. Oh well. It's not like they would have ever allowed one to win anyway.

For the record, there's one (sort of) local girl in the running: Lluvy from Modesto.

Are You Freaking Kidding Me?

Apparently, Chris Rock isn't the only change coming to the Oscars. The producers, in a misguided attempt to speed the show up and make it more "hip" or something, are going to present some of the awards to the winners while they are IN THEIR SEATS. And they want to get all the nominees on stage for some of the award announcements.

This just seems terribly misguided to me. I know the show has been slumping in the ratings, but I think one of the attractions of the whole event will always be how old-school it is. It's kind of stodgy, but it's the only awards show where the attendees can REALLY dress to the nines. It's the one awards show where some reverence for the history of Hollywood still remains. I don't want to see it turned into the Golden Globes which is, really, kind of trashy...

Now Flatulant Free!

You can read my take on the Superbowl ads over at SFist now!

Lo. Lee. Ta.

Turner Classic Movies has put up fake blogs for several fictional movie characters as part of their tribute to the Oscars this month. But there's just something not quite right about a blog written by Lolita. Especially when people are responding with stories about lingerie shopping. Ick!

Go to the TCM site to see 30 other blogs.

I Want To Be Tool of the Week

A casting call for Martha Stewart's "The Apprentice" is being held tomorrow in San Jose. Can you imagine the numbers of homemade crafts and pies that will carted down to that event?

"You're Tacky!"

NBC announced a new version of The Apprentice today, which will star Martha Stewart WHILE she's under house arrest. Sweet! Move over Donald. Martha's back, and she's got no reason to hide her venom anymore!

It's a Little Grey in Here

I felt it was time for a change, so I've been playing around with templates, most of the time disastrously, so that's why this place is looking a little dull. I want to have a good looking blog here, but man. HTML is not a fun thing to play around with. At least to me!

Honey

Despite knowing full-well that there was still one more non-elimination round to go, I have to admit I was on the edge of my seat during last night's episode of The Amazing Race. I thought perhaps they'd go into the finale with a non-elimination round left, but of course that's just dumb, so silly me for thinking that this episode might have MATTERED.

I'm not going to jump on the bandwagon and say that the show has officially jumped the shark or anything, but I really hope they fix the major problems this season has been faced with: Completely intolerable teams that are nothing but pretty faces, incessant bunching, and episodes that ultimately don't matter one bit. I didn't start watching until season 4, I think, so I wasn't a viewer of the show when the idea of "clues" was more than a quaint notion. I think they should bring that back, instead of each "clue" merely being instructions on where to go and what to do. (Granted, even this is too hard for some people to figure out...JONATHAN and VICTORIA.)

So next week is the two hour finale. I'm glad there's at least one team I'm hoping will win, but the fact that the other teams are almost completely unbearable means it's going to be a difficult evening of television for me. I guess this is my version of watching sports.

The State of TV Tonight

Once again: Goddamn Bush! I can always count on him to ruin a day, and because of his State of the Union address tonight, there will be no "Lost" or "Alias." (So much for the plans to run episodes of Alias this year uninterrupted.)

Fine. I guess I'll just have to watch "American Idol" instead, or god forbid, READ or something.

Pit Bulls, Wife Beaters, and Traveling Bunnies

This week's SFist post is up and ready for consumption. Delicious!

Manorexia!

While Adam Brody is totally my boyfriend, I do have to admit I'd like him a lot more if he'd just put on a few pounds. I've already made it well known that I prefer the Vincent D'Onfrio build to that of Screech, so I hope that these fears about a future filled with skinny hunks turn out to be unfounded.