I Don't Have a Gun

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I watched "The Voice" tonight--I guess all the incessant pop-up ads that played during EVERY SHOW ON NBC worked? Maybe? It wasn't that great, but neither is "American Idol" this season, so it's no worse than that, and I actually think there were a few good singers. And I like plushy Christina better than skinny Christina, so there's that.

But I just have to point out something about the chick that sang "Smells Like Teen Spirit." All the judges praised her on how original the arrangement was, and how she really made the song her own and blah blah blah. Except she was basically just doing Tori Amos's version of the song. Here:



I'm not even a Tori Amos fan, and I knew this, but none of the judges seemed to, which seems kind of crazy to me. I remember a similar thing happening on "American Idol" a few seasons back. One of the contestants did a unconventional version of a song, and the judges loved it, but it had been done before, and this was never mentioned...but it's late and I can't remember what it was. Maybe it will come to me later.

And yeah, this is in no way a big deal, but it's 2am and it's bugging me, so hence we have this here post.

Good night!

The Most Repugnant Rose Ceremony Ever

I think I might be the only person who watched "The Bachelor: After the Final Rose" and didn't come away from it thinking Jason was the biggest jerkface of all time (any number of Bachelors before him were far more horrible). And that's ironic coming from a woman who has been dumped in a humiliating manner more than once. (But it all comes back to karma as I have broken up with guys over email AND voicemail.) ANYWAY. Yeah. I didn't think what he did was that bad!

First, none of these relationships works out. (And don't throw Tristan and Ryan at me. That was "The Bachelorette," and I am still positive Ryan has a soundproof closet in his house wherein he screams to high heaven at least once a day as a way of expressing his utter horror that he is married to that baby-talking famewhore...But he's a nice guy and is sticking around because of the children.) A proposal is always made on the season finale, and a few weeks, or months later, the couple breaks up. OF COURSE they do. They now have to pay for their dates, and actually talk to each other, and sleep together, and things are bound to be different. It is not that shocking that these kinds of relationships fail. So the only difference here is Jason dumped his choice on TV.

It is very likely that the producers of the show wanted to cash in on the continuing trend of romantic failure, and, once they found out Jason was having second thoughts, convinced him to do the breaking up on TV. I'm sure money was involved. And Jason, after counting said money, justified this as a chance to tell the world what happened, instead of leaving it to speculation if the break-up were just left to a brief mention in EW's "Milestones" section.

I don't think he's a bad guy for breaking up with Melissa. What was he supposed to do once he realized he really wasn't in love with her, and didn't want to spend the rest of his life with her? Go through with it anyway? To spare her feelings? Of course not. The counter argument is probably that he shouldn't have proposed in the first place. But that's the show. The guys propose. And if either of the people goes into finale really thinking they've found true love, then that's their naivety, and that's their fault. It's. A. SHOW.

I'm also pretty sure Melissa did not go into that "After the Final Rose" show NOT knowing she was about to get dumped. She could have refused to appear. But she didn't, so I don't feel sorry for her for being "humiliated."

As for his decision to try it with Molly, well, that's a little sketchier. But I think the honest reaction to the situation is that yes, you would automatically think, "I wonder if I chose the wrong girl?", and want to try it with Miss Runner-Up. Asking her out RIGHT AFTER YOU'VE JUST DUMPED SOMEONE, is not a classy thing to do in real life, of course. But once again, this is TV. This is not real life. And they had TV time to fill. And they happened to have Molly standing right over there....

So, in conclusion, I do not think Jason is the Worst Bachelor Ever (I think that honor goes to Bob Guiney, just for the amount of sheer disappointment we had as we watched him go from goofy-fun-guy to complete-and-utter lech), I just think he's the Bachelor With the Least Ability to Judge What Should and Should Not Be Done in Front of a National TV Audience.

How to Keep Tears From Staining Your Shirt

This week's reality TV locals post is now up on SFist. Has been for a while, actually. Apologies...long day...

Better Late Than Liver

This week's reality TV locals post is now up on SFist.

Yeah. Sunday kinda came and went, didn't it?

There's No Such Thing As a Fancy Taco

This week's reality TV locals post is now up on SFist.

Warning: Ethnic cuisine discrimination ahead.

Vultures, Penguins, Trannies, and Hot Messes

Today's reality TV locals posts are up on SFist!

The first post covers "Top Model" and "The Bachelor." The second is all about "Top Chef."

Warning: elimination ahead!

Oh, Good Gods

On today's episode of "The View," (yes, I watch "The View." So suck it!) Sherri "I Don't Know If the World Is Flat" Shepherd insisted that the Christians predated the Greek philosophers. I think she's under the impression Jesus existed before ANYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD.

Here's the clip:



Look. I know she's an idiot (she's also said she doesn't believe in evolution, and would never teach that to her child, and again, that whole earth is flat thing) but I don't understand why these other women on "The View" don't just take her away on a nice long weekend, and try to re-educate her on some of the basic facts of history. This isn't a matter of religion. It's a matter of education. Tell the damn girl what "B.C." means!

What About That Poor, Sad, Lonely Rose?

Can I just say that I LOVED the finale for "The Bachelor." Finally, a guy had the guts to admit he didn't love either of those women, instead of faking it for the finale, and then for a few months, before breaking up with the chick like all those past bachelors have done.

Bravo Chad, or Brad, or whatever the hell your name is. Bravo!

Cold Sore Nation

I doubt any of you are actually watching "Kid Nation," and I don't blame you. It kind of sucks. But as seems to be the case with most reality programs, I can't seem to tear myself away. Especially when every week reveals another kid afflicted with Herpes Simplex 1. It's like "Spinal Tap" come to life, and it's awesome.




Alas, these photos don't do the severity of the outbreak much justice. I just hope next week they compete for a reward of a huge barrel of Blistex, because things are getting ugly in Bonanza City.

Tonight!

Bear-ly Surviving?

SCANDAL! Britain's Channel 4 is alleging that Bear Grylls of "Man vs. Wild" has actually stayed in hotels and motels while filming episodes of his show, and that many of the events depicted in the series are staged or prepped by hired experts.

Well, that doesn't change the fact that he drank his own urine on camera.

Read more at the Times Online.

Major Knickers

If you missed "Victoria Beckham: Coming To America" on Monday, you can watch a repeat of the special tonight at 10pm on NBC. (Or just watch the whole thing online at the above link.)

I actually kind of liked the show. I was expecting complete manure, and it was only partially manure-filled. True, it's just another partly-scripted "reality" show, but I was surprised at how amusing Victoria Beckham can be. I really know nothing about her aside from the countless scowling photos of her in bad outfits that appear daily on the gossip sites, so it was nice to see she's actually self-deprecating and kind of aware of her utter ridiculousness. Anyway, as far as summer TV goes, it ain't half bad.

Edited to add: Yikes!

Man Vs. Wild Vs. Survivorman

I've seen about five episodes each of "Man vs. Wild" and "Survivorman," and I know I'm coming late to the game on this one, but I think both are incredibly entertaining. I just can't get enough. But I've been pondering which dude is the more bad-assed.

"Man Vs. Wild"'s guy is named "Bear," which sounds extremely bad-ass, but when you learn that the name came from his real name of Theodore, and then Teddy, and then Teddy Bear, it's a little less impressive. He's also got an English accent, which, well, just always sounds kind of girly to me. But then he does things like this, and he could be wearing a tutu and still seem incredibly manly:



As tough as the conditions he puts himself in (abandoned at the top of the Swiss alps; stuck in the heart of Death Valley) the fact is he's got a camera crew following him around the whole time, and that makes every risk he takes seem a little less risky, since there's someone right there to help if he screws up.

That's a luxury "Survivorman"'s Les (granted, a far less cool a name than Bear) doesn't have, as he does all of his adventuring and surviving alone, acting as his own cameraman. True, his rescue crew is never too far away, but they're still father away than standing right next to him, as they are with Bear. Les is hobbled by an accent too, in this case Canadian, and not an episode goes by where he doesn't say he needs to "get ooot of here." And I haven't seen him bite into a live salmon yet, but he is no stranger to eating live things. Mainly grubs.

In the end, while "Survivorman" might be the more "impressive," as far as actual survival goes, "Man Vs. Wild" is the far more entertaining show. Just don't watch either if you're squeamish.

Phillip Chbeeb Pops My World

America's fascination with dancing continues to perplex me. (Equally perplexing: why I continue to watch these stupid shows.) I found most of last night's episode of "So You Think You Can Dance" dreadfully dull; I just think most of the earnest and talented dancers are incredibly boring, no matter how good they are.

But then a guy like Phillip Chbeeb comes along and does something I've never seen before. The tiny video size doesn't really do it justice, but look out for the wavy arms, and the floating head bit.

Bewiched

I just saw Russell from "I'm From Rolling Stone" eating a sandwich with a lady friend at 'wichcraft. Thrilling, no? Perhaps not, but there was something so very meta about seeing a reality TV "star" inside a restaurant that was plugged on a reality show, and features a sandwich created by a contestant on said reality show. If I were braver and a tad more obnoxious, I would have taken a clandestine cameraphone pic. Alas, I am not, and did not.

But speaking of 'wichcraft, I finally decided to give it a try. It has certainly been much maligned since its opening, and every time I walk by, its cavernous space is virtually empty. Having ventured into the mall to pick up a book and, of course a cream puff, (I can't be within the same building as a Beard Papa, and NOT get one!) I realized I could probably use some dinner, and 'wichcraft was on the way to the bus stop, so why not. I got a chicken salad sandwich that's supposed to come on whole grain bread, but they were out of that, so I got it on some kind of "country bread." I opted for a cold sandwich, even though the hot sandwiches were more appealing, because I wasn't going to be eating it there, and was afraid a hot 'wich wouldn't travel well.

The total was over 10 bucks. Just for the sandwich, (well, and the tiny bag of chips that come with it) and while I balked at the price, I reserved judgement until eating. Once I got home, I was a little disappointed to see it wasn't the size of my head, or at least larger than the average sandwich. As for taste, it was...fine. There was way too much pepper on it (although I will admit I am a pepper wimp) but the pickled onions were tasty, the chicken wasn't dry, and the frisse soaked in vinaigrette was a nice alternative to lettuce. But it was not the most amazing sandwich I've ever had, and wasn't even terribly memorable. I'll probably give one of the hot sandwiches a try before writing the place off completely, but I really think they'd do a lot better if they either made the sandwiches just a little bigger, or cut a buck or two off the price.

TiVil

Last year I got a dual tuner TiVo, and it rocks my world. Getting that new box meant moving my old TiVo into my bedroom for those times when there are more than two shows that I want to see at a given time. I set it up. It did its thing. And all was good with the world.

Back in, I think, November, that TiVo done died on me. Fatal disc failure or something. It was one of the old Sony machines--although at six years old, it really wasn't THAT old; such is the lifespan of consumer electronics. Getting the thing fixed would cost a couple hundred bucks, which would have been ridiculous since some new TiVo boxes cost less than that. So I basically unplugged it and forgot about it. Since I was able to take advantage of free streaming video on most network TV sites, the problem of missing those third shows on a given night was solved, and the need for a TiVo (or a TV, for that matter) in my bedroom was virtually nil.

Then I remembered I was actually still paying a monthly service fee for that dead box, and finally gave TiVo a call last week to cancel it. When I told them the situation, they told me they could sell me a brand new TiVo box to replace it for only 10 bucks, and I'd be paying the same subscription fee with the new one that I was paying with the old one.

Well, twist my arm why don't you!?

So, now I have a shiny new TiVo in the bedroom, and the TV that hasn't been turned on since last year is now getting nightly viewing. This is not good, especially since one of the things I have now started to watch is "Dancing With the Stars."

God help me.

I have successfully avoided this show for the three seasons it's been on. When I first saw ads for it, way back when, I was sure it was a joke, or at least thought it would be a show played for laughs, not an actual competition featuring a bunch of second-rate celebrities actually dancing, like, seriously. Really? And when it turned into a smash hit, I was dumbfounded. And yes, I did try to watch it during its second season, but I just am not that enthralled by ballroom dancing to begin with, and the whole thing just felt so...weird to me; like everyone in the world was pretending to be totally and non-ironically into the show, but they were all, in fact, just doing it to make me look stupid. Or something. Anyway, I was not a fan.

And I still am not a fan; I still think the whole thing is BIZARRE. But the prospect of seeing Heather Mills's leg flying off during a meringue is just too much to resist.

Dye Lots, Pro Forma Orders, and Swatches

Is anyone watching "Top Design" on Bravo? It's like "Top Chef" and "Project Runway" and so far is probably the weakest of the lot. But I still enjoy it. Having worked in the interior design industry for several years (HA!) I find it kind of fascinating. However, in my experience, interior designers were either a) gay men (duh) b) incredibly old women or c) women with rich husbands who funded their careers to give them something to do. The show is really only representing one of those demographics (you can guess which one).

However, the reason I bring this all up is because I need to ask: WHAT HAPPENED TO TODD OLDHAM'S FACE? He didn't always have a scary orange rubber face and weird teeth, did he?

You're a BAD Thing

The cast of the Martha Stewart version of "The Apprentice" has been revealed!

OK, they look like a pretty boring lot, but I'm still excited about the show.

Where's Gulager?

Fans of the last season of "Project Greenlight" will be happy to hear that Feast will probably be released just in time for Christmas--which is a little sooner than the previously reported January 2006 release date.

As for the future of the series, Matt Damon isn't holding out hope.

A Show So Bad...

I totally forgot to consciously ignore it! NBC's reality series The Law Firm was cancelled after just two episodes.

Has TV's love affair with lawyers FINALLY, mercifully, ended?