My Baloney Has a First Name...

The Oscars are this Sunday, and per usual, we're trying to come up with a menu based on the Best Picture nominees. Of course, those bastards at the Academy decided to increase the number of nominees to 10 this year, which I hate for a number of reasons, not least of which is because that makes creating an Oscar menu twice as hard. We'll basically have to set up some kind of buffet if we want to include every movie.

Also, it's hard enough coming up with something clever for five titles. But 10? I'm just not that smart.

So here's what we've tentatively got--with acknowledgment where applicable, and what we don't. If anyone has any other suggestions please, PLEASE, chime in!

Avatar - Ava-tar-tar

The Blind Side - The Blind Side-Salad

District 9 - Prawns. Of course.

An Education - NO IDEA!

The Hurt Locker - Maybe some kind of chocolate bomb dessert?

Inglorius Basterds - Strudel and milk.

Precious - A cocktail based on a gin called Sapphire. (I think Chuck came up with that one.)

A Serious Man - I like the "Serious Manwich" idea in theory, but don't think I'd like to eat one. Perhaps something kosher instead?

Up - Fuck it. We'll inflate some balloons.

Up In the Air - A bag of peanuts and a non-alcoholic beverage of your choice. (My dad came up with that one.)

I'm sure someone out there can do better. Spill it!

My Awards Show Has a First Name...

Work is kicking my ass right now, so I have had no time to discuss the Oscars or the nominations, or, most importantly, our Academy Awards night dinner. So here's a brief rundown of what we've come up with.

A Frosty "Nixon".

"The Curious Case of Benjamin's Stuffed Button Mushrooms"

Indian appetizers fit for a "Slumdog Millionaire."

...some kind of German salad (damn you, "The Reader"!!!!)

And "Milk" shakes.

Got any better ideas?

Pop Goes the...Something That Rhymes With Weasel

I've got a post about this weekend's WonderCon over on the SFGate Culture Blog, and this week's reality TV locals post is up on SFist. Warning: Bullet points ahead!

It was quite the pop culture weekend, what with the WonderCon and the Oscars, and therefore kind of exhausting. I don't really have much to say about those Oscars, apart from the fact that I did horribly with my predictions. I got movie, director, actor, supporting actor, screenplays, and a few of the smaller awards, but failed miserably on most of the others. I also wasn't too impressed by the hair-dos on most of the gals. So many of them had this messy hair pulled back, but the front all dangly and messy thing going on that just looked like what your average housewife does to her hair when she's getting read to clean the house. I say either go pulled back and slick and neat, or leave the hair down with some nice waves. (I haven't the energy to link to any photos, but just check out some of the Oscar fashion highlights anywhere else, and you'll see what I mean.)

Also, the most exciting aspect of the evening was waiting to see if someone would totally fall on their face slipping on that apparently greased section of the Oscar stage.

Draaaiiinaaage!

So, the Oscars are next Sunday, and I'm having a bit of a hard time coming up with an Oscar menu. It doesn't help that I've only seen two of the movies nominated for Best Picture, (those two being "There Will Be Blood" and "No Country For Old Men." The other movies nominated are "Michael Clayton," "Juno," and "Atonement"). I'm hoping to see "Michael Clayton" and "Juno" before next weekend, but for those who have seen the them all (or any), are there any good food moments in any of those movies? So far all I've got on the menu is a serving of milkshakes, thanks to "There Will Be Blood." (See below. And let me tell you I am loving the movie even more than I already do because of that.)

Live Blogging My Post-Oscars Blog

Yeah, I couldn't be bothered to live blog the thing. I failed miserably in my predictions, and found a lot of it duller than usual. I hated that they waited so long before giving us an award category that was actually exciting--almost an hour and a half! (Art Direction first? Really? Followed by something about the Technical Awards? Way to get people amped for the evening!) What happened to giving out Best Supporting Actress early in the night?

There weren't any speeches that made me cry, and only a few laugh-out-loud moments (loved Will Ferrell and Jack Black). Of course I am thrilled that Scorsese and "The Departed" won, although it's obvious it was given to him to make up for years of slubs. It's not his best movie--although it was better than "The Aviator," which he didn't win for two years ago.

Ellen was fine. Just...fine. Those weird dancers that turned into guns and penguins were just so...random. And I thought it was just mean not to include Anna Nicole Smith in the salute to the dearly departed (AKA the Dead Applause-O-Meter, which was won by Robert Altman this year). Were they afraid people would laugh or something?

I Know He's Dead, But Is Swifty Lazar Still Throwing Oscar Parties?

So, the Oscars are, of course, this Sunday. I think our menu is set:

The Queen's Crown Royal Manhattans

Mussels From Iwo Jima

Little Miss Sunshine Potato Salad

The Departed Lobster Rolls

A Tower of Babel Dessert ("Babel" was the hardest to find a food for.)

I would post my predictions here, but I really tend to wait until the very last minute to make those predictions. I usually do pretty good, but this year's a little tough as far as Best Picture goes. Of course I'm rooting for "The Departed," but I have a fear that "Little Miss Sunshine" will get it, and I really thought that movie was mediocre at best. Of course, mediocre movies tend to win Best Picture, so it shouldn't come as any surprise if it does. It still irks me, though.

I haven't decided if I'll live blog the event or not. It might depend on if I can get a wifi connection or not. But don't doubt that I will be there for every minute of the 16 hour broadcast!

And I Am Telling You, You're Not Going...To the Oscars

Well, as you probably know by now, the Oscar nominees have been announced. And I have some opinions about them...

Best Picture:
"Babel,"
"The Departed,"
"Letters From Iwo Jima,"
"Little Miss Sunshine,"
"The Queen"

I admit that, so far, I have only seen two of the nominees: "The Departed" and "Little Miss Sunshine." It goes without saying that I loved "The Departed." And I might have liked "Little Miss Sunshine" more if people weren't drooling all over themselves with praise for it. It just wasn't that fantastic. It was much funnier the first time I saw it, when it was called "National Lampoon's Vacation," and [spoiler alert!] Alan Arkin, the best thing about the movie, is only in about half of it. The whole thing feels like a carefully planned Sundance Festival entry; way too contrived, and ultimately, not funny enough.

As for the other movies, I'll probably see "The Queen" before the actual awards, but I am not looking forward to watching "Babel." I'm getting a little tired of movies that pass incomprehensibility off as depth. I'm just glad "Dreamgirls" didn't sneak in there. Enough with the nominating of musicals already!

Actor:
Leonardo DiCaprio, "Blood Diamond";
Ryan Gosling, "Half Nelson";
Peter O'Toole, "Venus";
Will Smith, "The Pursuit of Happyness";
Forest Whitaker, "The Last King of Scotland."

I guess the only surprise here is that voters actually remembered Ryan Gosling and "Half Nelson." But once again, I haven't seen any of the nominated performances, so I can't say much about the choices.

Actress:
Penelope Cruz, "Volver";
Judi Dench, "Notes on a Scandal";
Helen Mirren, "The Queen";
Meryl Streep, "The Devil Wears Prada";
Kate Winslet, "Little Children."

There's a good variety of grand dames and (relative) newcomers in this category, but I really don't think Streep's role in that movie was a lead one. Hers was a supporting character, and should have been nominated thusly.

Supporting Actor:
Alan Arkin, "Little Miss Sunshine";
Jackie Earle Haley, "Little Children";
Djimon Hounsou, "Blood Diamond";
Eddie Murphy, "Dreamgirls";
Mark Wahlberg, "The Departed."

I'm really pleased to see Jackie Earle Haley nominated; it's awesome that he's gone from a "whatever happened to that weird looking kid from 'The Bad News Bears'?" to an Oscar nominee. Also, how awesome are the words "Academy Award nominee Marky Mark"? That said, I think Alan Arkin will take it.

Supporting Actress:
Adriana Barraza, "Babel";
Cate Blanchett, "Notes on a Scandal";
Abigail Breslin, "Little Miss Sunshine";
Jennifer Hudson, "Dreamgirls";
Rinko Kikuchi, "Babel."

Once again, only saw "Little Miss Sunshine," and as cute as that little girl was, I don't think she deserves an award for it. I haven't seen "Dreamgirls," but in all the acting clips I've seen of Jennifer Hudson, she's not...that great. Will they really give her an award based solely on the strength of her singing?

Directing:
Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, "Babel";
Martin Scorsese, "The Departed";
Clint Eastwood, "Letters From Iwo Jima";
Stephen Frears, "The Queen";
Paul Greengrass, "United 93."

It's another one of those years where they nominate a director and not his film (and a film, but not the director) in this case Paul Greengrass for "United 93," and not Jonathan Dayton and Valerie Faris for "Little Mis Sunshine". Which just reminds me, I'm sure happy "United 93" didn't get nominated. I think the praise it garnered was based on the emotions brought up by the events of September 11th, and not by the film itself. It was good and all, but it wasn't great. As for the rest, the question remains, will Scorsese get passed over in favor of Clint Eastwood once again?

Of course there are more nominations, but I haven't the time to get into those right now. Maybe later. I need to start planning my Oscar night menu. "The Queen"'s bangers and mash? And "Departed" lobster rolls. Yes!

Their Eyes Were Watching the Clock

The entire Oscar ceremony was so dull and void of excitement or anything memorable that I can't be bothered to say much more than that about it. Presenting awards in the seats? Trotting nominees onto the stage? All as uncomfortable to watch as I predicted it would be. Where was the funny? Rock was OK, but NONE of the presenters were funny. There certainly wasn't the equivalent of Will Ferrell and Jack Black's "Boring" song from last year. So, no real review here. But I did feel the need to jot some things down as I was watching it, so I give to you--My 77th Annual Academy Awards notes. Links to photos subject to change without my knowledge, thus ruining the joke in most cases.

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First unfortunate cut of the night: Chris Rock riffing on the singing, dancing, and shooting that occurs at other awards shows--and there's a cut to P. Diddy.

Did Morgan Freeman just say "Heavens to mergatroid" when he got on stage for his Oscar?

Beyonce sings in French! Is that choir boy crying? Because I sure am.

Why is Billy Crudup in a MasterCard commercial? (Really. Can someone answer that for me?)

Who was that crazed man that just ran out and handed Rock a microphone?

And the winner of the Wasp Waist Award goes to Scarlett Johhaannsson! Is that why her voice sounds so much higher?

AAAH! MICKEY ROONEY!

Johnny Depp is wearing the necktie formally known as Prince.

All those younger women married to guys in their 70s? Congratulations: you're the wife that gets to change his diapers.

That rotating pie carousel of Oscars is distracting.

Salma Hayek what the hell are you saying? I don't even know what the award you're giving out is for now.

Antonio, the only way you can save this performance is if you hop on that motorcycle and do a wheelie down the aisle. It's also a good way to dry your hair! Seriously, what's that about?

Death Applause-o-Meter: Elmer Bernstein beats Reagan. Ossie Davis beats Chris Reeve. Rodney Dangerfield garners a "woo!" Brando beats them all. And no Sandra Dee!

Our fiff song will be performed by Josh Groban and...Beyonce! Oh good lord. Enough Beyonce already. Also, I think that's actually Luke Wilson's SNL impersonation of Josh Groban and not Groban himself.

I can't think of another year that's had five such completely shitty songs up for awards. Yeeks.

Fashionwise: Blue is the new black. And there are way too many beige, cream, and light colored dresses on blondes tonight. They look drab and washed out.

Hilary, I think you should also thank the cast and crew of The Next Karate Kid while you're at it. Sheesh. Trainers? Agents? Publicists? Get off the stage--you're boring.

Jamie Foxx--The tenth actor to be nominated in two acting categories the same night, and the first with a head tattoo.

Also, "Ray"? "Blind Justice"? Maybe blind is the new black...No, blue is still the new black, but blind is the new blue.

Clint Eastwood wins best director. OK. There goes the last chance for a truly memorable moment in this entire broadcast. That's it! I no longer care a lick. Goodnight.

Oscar the Grouch

As you probably know, the Oscars are this Sunday. Weeee! I'm looking forward to the show with excitement, and a little dread after hearing about all these changes, and I've at least caught up on SOME of the nominees. I saw "The Aviator" on Monday, and liked it more than I thought I would. Also saw "Million Dollar Baby" a few weeks back, and frankly, I was a little underwhelmed. I'd like to post my predictions (and when I predict, it's for ALL the awards) but the truth is I usually don't make my final predictions until about an hour before the show starts...I will say that I HOPE Scorsese gets at least the director's statue. The rest of the awards? I don't really care too much about who wins or loses, which is kind of sad.

For others who like to predict every single award, Salon is giving people a chance to view some of the short film nominees, so you can watch a few of them and make an actual educated prediction. For the record I just watched "Gopher Broke" and "Guard Dog" and between those two? I really hope "Guard Dog" takes it.

For the Last Time: The Oscars Aren't Hip

And they will never BE hip!

Yep, the Academy Awards are a little over a week away, and the closer it gets, the more worried I get.

Are You Freaking Kidding Me?

Apparently, Chris Rock isn't the only change coming to the Oscars. The producers, in a misguided attempt to speed the show up and make it more "hip" or something, are going to present some of the awards to the winners while they are IN THEIR SEATS. And they want to get all the nominees on stage for some of the award announcements.

This just seems terribly misguided to me. I know the show has been slumping in the ratings, but I think one of the attractions of the whole event will always be how old-school it is. It's kind of stodgy, but it's the only awards show where the attendees can REALLY dress to the nines. It's the one awards show where some reverence for the history of Hollywood still remains. I don't want to see it turned into the Golden Globes which is, really, kind of trashy...

Good Move, Mr. Moore

Just in time for my birthday, the Oscar nominations were announced this morning and once again, I was overlooked by the Academy. I just hope that invite to Swifty Lazar's party doesn't get lost in the mail AGAIN....Wait...he's dead? So that explains it.

The noms were pretty predictable, so nothing too exciting there. I do have to say Michael Moore's decision to submit Fahrenheit 9/11 to the Best Picture category instead of Best Documentary failed miserably.

I'm also ashamed to admit that I have not seen any of the movies nominated for Best Picture. I suck. But I will change that before the end of February, although I have to say I'm only excited about seeing two of them. The others? A bit of a chore to get me to sit through them, I think....