I Promise Not To Embarrass My Family

Oh man. We're only four episodes into the new season of "Big Brother," and it's already kicking that previous season's ass all over the place. There are total nutballs in the house (the biggest being Renny from New Orleans, who is all kinds of awesome) and one guy I want to strangle with my bare hands. Yeah, I'm looking at you Big Baby Bodybuilder Jessie. He's got a huge chip on his shoulder about how people think he's stupid just because he's a bodybuilder. Truth is, no one has mentioned anything like that, but after tonight when he said, and I quote, "I've beat everybody at chess! Whether that's proof for the fucking pudding or not, what more do you need?", I'm sure that matter has been cleared up.

Of course, I don't think I'm going to convince anyone who isn't already addicted to this crack to start watching, so let me just share this bit of salaciousness. The houseguests have barely been there for a week, and people are already having sex. The thing that gets me is, they do it under the covers because there are cameras everywhere, but they're still mic'ed, so it's not like they're really fooling anyone. Anyway, there's nothing really that NSFW in the below clip, just some grunts and footsie action, but still. The best thing is the guy involved is a preacher's son who promised not to do anything to embarrass his family while on the show. I could be wrong, but being that I'M totally embarrassed watching this, I think his folks might have some issues with it.

My Summertime Crack Addiction Begins Tonight

"Big Brother 8" premieres tonight, and once again I have absolutely no justification for watching. It's complete junk! It has no redeeming qualities! And it's exactly what I want out of summertime TV.

Based on a purely superficial investigation of this season's houseguests, I think I already hate this guy, and I think this gal will be eaten alive.

But Awesome

Tonight's the "Big Brother" finale, and once again, two horrible people are up for the big prize. It sucks. I may just have to watch this TVGasm compilation over and over again instead.

Ill Town

I haven't been saying much about "Big Brother" this season because it's been kind of disappointing. I'm still watching religiously, of course, but it's been hard to watch the players I so loved one year ago screw it up so royally.

Having not seen season two, I didn't get to witness the first coming of Evil Doctor Will, but I have to admit, the boy has mad skillz when it comes to manipulation. It's really quite astounding how people who KNOW how he plays this game keep falling for his lies. Why would anyone in their right mind EVER trust him? And yet, everyone on this show has done just that, over and over. It's quite impressive.

The only bad thing about Dr. Will is he comes with a horrible sidekick named Mike "Boogie." The amount of hatred that seethes into me every time he's on screen frightens me. I hate him with the fiery passion of a thousand suns. This is a grown man who apparently dresses in nothing but baggy basketball uniforms and track suits, wears his hats at "crazy" angles, and climbs into a box in the backyard to masturbate.

Don't believe me? Watch, if you dare.



Ugh. I am scarred for life. Now, I know that he's not the only one to wack it in that shack (which, actually makes it even worse!) but it's that combined with the horrible pale, big-nosed visage that is Boogie that makes it absolutely vomit-inducing.

If he wins the money, I might just have to shoot myself.

Welcome to My Nightmares, Tonight Featuring CAPPY

"Big Brother" fans, in case you haven't heard, last night's HOH competition was staged again (and I use the term "staged" pointedly) because of the technical difficulties that occurred the first time around (that whole "buzzer" thing). The new HOH comp and results will air on Sunday, but if you want to find out who won, you can read about it here.

Oh, the scandal! And let me just say, "Big Brother," you are on my list notice for bringing Cappy back into my living room, if even just for a moment. Bastards.

Edited to add: That awesome Stephen Colbert "On-Notice" board. Make your own here!

Revenge of the Search Terms

I haven't done this in a while and thought it was about damn time.

Here are some of the best search terms that have lead people to my blog in the past several months:

amy sedaris bruise photo
terri hatcher peeing on the tonight show (did that really happen?)
oscar the grouch on drugs (if that's a question, the answer is yes)
snuffalufugus porn (that must be porn that disappears the second someone walks in the room)
vincent d'onofrio RUMORS
strappped her to a chair
I WANT TO SEE LIVE CLIPS OF THE SHOW GROWING UP GOTTI (it's so cute to see the gotti boys googling themselves)
rabbit started screaming
michelle rodriguez's teeth
Chimps wearing diaper diapers (would be funnier if it were monkeys)
peed pants New Year's Eve (another Teri Hatcher search?)
steve martin wearing a diaper
how to "flash someone" boobs (is there really a "right way" to do this?)

And the always popular Eva Pigford selection:
eva pigford boyfriend
eva pigford's boyfriend
does eva pigford have a boyfriend?
eva pigford is pregnant
Dude. Whether she has a boyfriend or not, you don't have a chance. Forget it!

Please Help to Make My Addiction More Pleasant

I know most of you don't actually watch "Big Brother," but I do. (And sometimes, I really regret it.) This season is an "all-star" edition and the audience can vote some of the players into the house. (But not all, which is some total bullshit. But that's a rant for another time.)

So, I was hoping you guys could help a sister out and cast some votes for the people I want to see in the house. It's easy! Just go to the "Big Brother 7" site, click on a picture, and when that person's profile comes up, click on "Vote for Me."

These are the names to click on: Janelle, Kaysar, Howie, Will

Don't question my choices. Just vote blindly, like you would in any other election.

Thanks, kittens!

World Cup? What the Hell's a World Cup?

MY summer sports fun begins tonight, with the return of "Big Brother" on CBS at 8pm. It's an "all-star" edition this time around, but being that I didn't really watch nor care about the show until last season, the possibility of a return of Evil Dr. Will doesn't fill me with too much anticipation. If Kaysar and Janelle come back--and if their return also means further humiliation for "The Friendship"--well you can count me as one happy summer camper indeed.

Because She Can't Phone Her Dog

OK...I need your help again. The evil "Friendship" on "Big Brother" has to learn how much America hates them. So if you could, please go to this link and vote for the buxom blonde, Janelle, to get a phone call. I'm picking her because I think it's funny that the person she wants a call from is someone she met in the house (a guy who the "Friendsheep" accused of sexual molestation. Idiots.) Or, if you hate buxom blondes, let Howie get a phone call. Or, if you love Republicans, vote for James. But do NOT vote for anyone else. They are EVIL! EEEEVIIILLL!!

Many thanks.

Busto!

I've recently come to realize that reality shows are my version of sports-watching. At one time I could get excited about football (when I was about 16) and baseball (for a few years while I was in my 20s) but these days I couldn't give a puffy rat's ass.

So, instead, I let myself get super-worked up about dumb reality shows, suffering the exhilarating highs (Kaysar comes back!) and crushing lows (Kaysar comes back! And totally blows it by giving away HOH!) that are probably familiar feelings for Monday night football fans and the like.

So, yeah, there were some absolute screams of joy last night, when after Kaysar was voted out, Janelle won the HOH competition, and was immediately able to put two of the despicable "Friendship" players on the block. Sweet! THIS is how I like my spectator sports to be. Full of buxom blondes and catty name-calling.

Any other "Big Brother" fans out there should be sure to read TVGasm's recap. As always!

82%!

Yes. Kaysar returned to the "Big Brother" house with a whopping 82% of the vote. Sweet! I guess America wasn't won over by the diminutive, short-tempered, immature and shirtless fireman.


Thanks to all who voted via Musty TV. All three of you!

A Vote for Cappy Means You Hate America

I love that a Google search for "vote for Cappy" brings up approximately 80 links, while "vote for Kaysar" brings up over 22,000 links.

So, if Eric comes back to the house, you'll all know the voting was rigged. RIGGED I tell ya!

P.S. Vote for Kaysar.

I'm Lame. I Know.

Yeah. I watch "Big Brother." And I'm ashamed. I hate it. I hate the people. I hate how boring it can be. I hate how it's on, like, EVERY NIGHT. But still I watch. So do me a favor and click on the photo, and when you get to the BB6 site, vote for Kaysar to be returned to the house. He was the only non-annoying guy there, and he's kind of cute, and I want him to come back. (But whatever you do, do NOT click on the photo of the bald idiot in the middle.)

Thanks.

In related news, why is the font on this post so funky?