I Thought There'd Be Fireworks or Something

The revelation of the identity of "Deep Throat" seems kind of...anti-climatic. There are a few things I've hoped to know the truth about before I die, such as, who really killed JFK? What really happened to Jimmy Hoffa? Did Amelia Earhart land on the island of "Lost"? And "Deep Throat" was on that list. But I just thought if that revelation were to ever come, it would involve...a TV special hosted by Geraldo Rivera or something!

Well, maybe that's coming.

All Flights Cancelled

For a brief and rather cryptic preview of the second season of "Lost" be sure to visit the "official" Oceanic Airlines site. It's a little like playing an adventure game, as there are a lot of hidden features on the site, so click around. To view the preview, enter Hurley's numbers (4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42) in the boxes under "Travellers." When it gets to the seating chart, click on the relevant seat numbers, and voila.

They aren't the survivors they thought they were, huh?

Proposal Interruptus

If you were one of the pissed off that watched the season finale of "Gilmore Girls" a few weeks back, and had the final minute--a CRUCIAL minute--cut off by your TiVo or VCR, well you can watch a re-run tonight at 9pm.

Oh, Brother

Please. Just don't give them their own show.

Carmen, You're So Preeeety

"Preeety, preeety! Lemme touch your face....No, wait!...Come back here!....*burp*....preeeeety........."

Tom Cruise CARES!

TVGasm has a clip from Tom Cruise's appearance on "Access Hollywood," and it's pretty freaking creepy. You can also read the part of the interview where he talks about Scientology here.

And again, to any Scientologists reading this? You guys are the beast!...Um, I mean best.

Is There Peace in the Middle East?

Have they found Bin Laden? Seriously. Is there NOTHING better to report on than Burt Reynolds "slapping" a TV producer? For the second day in a row, this is making headlines.

Not getting it, people.

Just Because There's Dynamite Involved, Doesn't Mean It's Exciting

OK....Did Roger Corman direct the season finale of Lost? Because there was a hell of a lot of needless walking, walking, walking in that episode. And it frustrated the hell out of me. I wasn't looking for resolution of every little thing, but maybe more than ONE thing, you know?

What did we learn from all the airport scenes? At first I thought they'd show that all of them, for one reason or another, didn't really want to get to where they were going, but that only holds true for some of them. Michael, because he didn't want to have to deal with Walt. Kate, for obvious reasons. Jin because he couldn't escape from Sun's father. Locke, because he didn't get to go on his adventure. And perhaps Jack, for some reason involving his wife. But Hurley was desperate to get on the plane to make it home for his mother's birthday, and Sawyer wanted to get back and....kill the right dude, I guess. Claire and Charlie, their stories are a little more ambiguous in terms of whether they really wanted to get where they were going or not. Am I forgetting someone?

And then the endless walking with dynamite stuff. ENDLESS. They really should have had last week's episode and this week's reduced to two hours, instead of dragging it out over three. Maybe then I would be a little less peeved that they didn't throw us anything, except the big reveal that the Others were really after Walt all along. (Or, more accurately, realized at some point that Walt would be a better catch than Claire's baby.) But that's IT. Still don't know what the "security system" really is. Still don't know what's in the hatch. Still don't know what the hell is up with the island. I realize they have to try and hook us for next season, but they could have given us just a LITTLE more.

So me and "Lost"? We aren't breaking up. But we are going to spend some time apart over the Summer. Maybe see some other series. And then when school starts up again in the Fall, we'll decide if we were really meant to be together.

One Word: Zombies

Last night's Alias was the way finales should be done. All the character we know and love (and hate) fighting a big bad (even if we can't really figure out what that big bad is) and some people die (or do they?) and then boom! A jaw-dropping cliffhanger.

And did I mention the zombies? Awesome.

And I have never been that shocked by the last moment of a show. I literally jumped off my couch, screaming.

Why oh why wasn't the season finale of "Lost" that good?

Check Check Check Check It Out

This week's SFist post is now up. Try it. You'll like it!

This Is How Madness Starts

First, you go nuts on Oprah.

Then you start talking about how people should fight legitimate mental disorders with vitamins.

Final step? Get your own reality show.

Can't wait for the season premiere, Tom!

Gag Me

I accidentally watched the last half of Rob and Amber Get Married last night, (there was nothing else on at 10pm, OK?) and I swear I rolled my eyes so hard they popped out of my head and tumbled under the couch. I should have left them there, but if I had I would have missed the moment when Amber gives Rob a necklace full of sand and a copy of a poem her mother gave her father the day they got married, and Rob laughs like a 12-year old at the line "so that I may never leave your breast," while reading the poem aloud in front of her parents! He's such a maroon!

After that, the only joy came from watching Amber's wedding veil get caught on a trellis as she walked down the aisle, and hearing Rob say "You taught me patient [sic]" during his vows.

Unless it's for a televised divorce court preceding, I do not want to see Rob and Amber on my TV ever. Again.

Will She Put Herself on Trial?

Annabella Sciorra is joining Law & Order: Criminal Intent in the Fall. She'll be playing Chris Noth's partner in the non-D'Onofrio episodes. But the thing is, she played a defense attorney on "Law & Order: Trial By Jury," which is supposed to be set in the same world as "CI."

I know they do that kind of thing all the time, but it bugs me, man!

Yeah...Right.

I watched Tom Cruise on Oprah yesterday, and there was something really fishy about some of it. Near the begining of the show, Oprah asks how he met Katie Holmes. And he hems and haws, and haws and hems, and it really comes across as him scrambling to come up with some kind of plausible story about how he met her. Eventually he says something about "admiring" her, and wanting to meet her because of her work, or some such crap. It reeked of bull. I mean, when people are as in love as those two say they are, they talk about every friggin' detail of how they met, even if it is just "I had my agent call her agent, and we set up a meeting about a movie, but the minute we started talking there was a spark and blah blah blah." Was it just that he couldn't bring himself to say, "The Scientologist offices spent several months coming up with a suitable mate for me, and she met all the qualifications. So here was are!" and he hadn't really thought enough about it ahead of time to come up with any other answer?

I make no apology for thinking Tom Cruise is pretty friggin' hot. But that doesn't make his Scientology affliation and sexual ambiguity any less strange. He can jump on Oprah's couch and talk about Katie's "generosity" as much as he wants. I ain't buying it.

And to any Scientologists who might be reading this: Just kidding. Scientology is awesome!

Delete!

I feel so free! Because of all the season finales this past week, I was able to delete so many season passes from my TiVo. I know they'll soon be replaced by summer TV shows, but for the moment, I kind of like knowing that on certain nights, there's nothing on TV I just HAVE to watch.

Soon, that freedom will begin to feel boring, but for now, it's nice.

Enough With the Star Wars

I'm still trying to wrap my mind around all the things wrong with "Sith" (aside from the word "Sith.") I remembered reading an essay by a total fan boy a few years back in which he lamented that the third film would ruin the movies that came first, and he detailed how Lucas could possibly fix it. I found the piece again today, called Star Wars: The Prelude Problem and I don't know if the guy went back and re-wrote it, but if it was indeed written in 2000, then the Force is strong with this one, because he was able to predict a lot of the moments that actually made it into Episode III (for better or worse). His basic idea is pretty good (it's an attempt to maintain the "I am you father" shock moment of "Empire") but I kind of disagree that big reveal is necessarily lessened with the existence of "Sith." Instead of it being a shock for us, the audience, I believe we are instead asked to identify with Luke, and have an "Uh-oh! He's about to find out the truth. That's gotta be tough" moment when those "I. Am your father..." words are spoken.

Oh my god. When did I turn into such a raving "Star Wars" geek? This is freaking me out. But at least I can spell a little better than the person who wrote the above-linked article.

Steve Guttenberg Is No Gene Hackman!

The Poseidon Adventure is being remade into a miniseries, and while I can't be sure who will play the Gene Hackman character, I do know Steve Guttenberg is in the cast. And that scares me.

If They Should Bar Wars, Please Let These Star Wars...Stay

OK....I don't want to give anything away, but Obi-Wan and Yoda live! Who knew?

Seriously, I don't feel I should discuss too much about "Episode III" until other people have seen it, or have told me they don't care if I spoil it or not. But you know in actuality, there aren't really any spoilers to be had. As referenced above, we know how those big fights turn out, so there really isn't much in the way of suspense. The only spoilers would be in revealing the details of how the stuff plays out.

Two (only slightly spoiler-ish) things though...

OK. Three things:

* R2D2 screaming? Hilarious in "Episode IV." But four times in the first ten minutes here? Thanks for killing the laugh, Lucas.

* That whole losing-a-hand symmetry we got with "Episode II" and "V" tends to lose its significance when almost everyone who gets into a light saber duals loses a hand or two.

* One thing Darth Vader, (and I'm talking the leather-and-steel-clad machine/man Vader) should never do is stand on a platform, raise his arms above his head, and scream, "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Star Wars, Nothing But Star Wars

I'm going to see Revenge of the Snits on the company dime at noon. I think I'll probably have to sit in the first row since no one wants to leave for the theater until 11:30am (uh, just because you already have tickets doesn't mean you're guaranteed a good seat, people!) but if I can, I will report some initial reactions when I get back...

Did You Cry When...

Sawyer told Jack about meeting his father? When Walt gave Shannon the dog? When Sun and Jin made up?

Yeah. I did. Some of it was shameless, but I have to admit, I loved last night's Lost and it has me so excited about next week's finale. I can. Not. Wait. It looks like this week was all about the fond farewells and tears, and next week is about action and answers.

So, the French lady is up to no good, right? Not sure what she's up to, but it probably has to do with kidnapping Turnip Head. And the Black Rock is a friggin' boat?? I didn't see that coming. Trying to come up with theories at this point is kind of making my head hurt, so I'll just sit back and patiently wait for next week.

Patiently.

Waiting.....

!!

Do You Want Save This Program? Or Delete It? Or Pull Your Hair Out in Frustration?

I'm glad to hear many others were royally peeved by the WB's presentation of the Gilmore Girl's finale last night.

Fix it! Make it better NOW!

Hey Look! It's a Post!

Indeed, it is. Sorry for the lack of posts today, but I had to finish my SFist post, which is available now for your tasting enjoyment.

I Can't Wait To See If I Can Handle It!

Don't forget! the Federlines' show premieres tonight at 9:00pm on UPN. I for, one, am ecstatic.

Boop! Boop! Boop!

Read my review of the fabulous Wild Man Fischer documentary "Derailroaded" on SFist now!

A TV Shark Is Not a Babysitter

Many networks have announced their Fall TV line-ups, and for the most part, it sounds like business as usual.

Looks like "The Office" has been renewed, and NBC will also air a new sitcom starring Jason "I Thought He Was Cool Until I Found Out He's a Scientologist" Lee. Martha Stewart's "Apprentice" will air on Wednesday nights, while the Donald's "Apprentice" is sticking to Thursdays.

"Arrested Development" on Fox is indeed being renewed, (SO HAPPY!) while "Jack & Bobby" on the WB is not. (While its recent abortion = death storyline bugged me, I still appreciated much of the show, and would have liked to see it come back for a second season.)

Perhaps I will have more to say about these new/returning shows in the coming days, but for now, that's all I have time for. Stupid work!

Praises Be!!

Rumor has it Arrested Development is gonna be renewed!

This makes me so very happy. NOTHING brings the funny like this show. I just hope they run another marathon on F/X sometime soon so I can watch Buster hit himself in the head with that coconut attached to his hook one more time.

Chivalry IS Dead

So I'm riding the bus to work this morning, and it is its usual jam-packed awfulness. We get to the stop where everyone gets off (Stockton street, natch) and I start to move to the rear to get a seat. In the back door, an older woman is trying to get her huge duffel bag, attached to a cart, off of the bus, and it's too wide to make it through the door without turning it sideways, which she can't do because she's very small and already off the bus, so the bag is stuck. And standing in the doorway are two guys, just staring at her as she struggles.

Assholes.

So *I* reach down and turn her bag sideways so she can get it out of the door. And in the process I break two nails down to the quick.

Jeeze! I really don't get some people. I mean, be a MAN, for chrissake!

Oddly Large Burritos

This is old news, but just in case someone missed it. The story of the oddly large burrito!

And a photo!

OK...Who Does, and Who Does Not Know About the Polar Bear??

Last night's Lost seemed kind of...tame. Kate's past is even more mysterious, the portal remains unopened (I love that the castaways continue to hike over to it...and stare at it. "We should open it!" "No we shouldn't! It doesn't have a handle!"), and Walt is spookier. I did like the random appearance of the weatherman at the beginning, "You need to leave tomorrow! Monsoon season is coming!...And now I'll be on my way, and you won't see me for the rest of the episode. Bye!"

I guess it's just all build-up for the finale, though really, they should start to tie-up some of these stories dontcha think? But no matter, I'm sure the finale will just BLOW US AWAY, man!

You Mean Jilting Cabbies Isn't Legal?

This New York Post article (which, unfortunately, you have to register to read) explains that if Uchenna and Joyce had not paid their cabbie, they would have been disqualified...ahhh. It all makes sense now, don't it?

I Guess They Can All Go Home and Take Showers Now

Looks like Carnivale is officially cancelled. Which means I'll probably never really understand what the hell happened during its last season. We can just assume the eternal battle between good and evil carries on, and we're back to where the show was when it began. Meh.

Jennifer Garner, Auteur

OK...Last night's Alias totally blew my mind. Monks raising stingless bees? A magical orchid? Sloane Clone and Sloane have the same brain? The return of Angus Scrimm! And all directed by Jennifer Garner? I STILL don't really have any idea what the hell is going on, but I'm sure more interested than I was at the beginning of the season.

Now, how are they going to work Garner's pregnancy into the plot?

You Can't Handle the Truth

This week's SFist post is up, and it's all about the troof, the whole troof, and nothing but the troof.

*Phew*

Man alive. Last night's Amazing Race nearly killed me. I was, I swear to you, pacing back-and-forth in front of my TV while Uchenna and Joyce were begging for money to pay that cabbie. Oh yeah, and I was also screaming "JUST RUN IN!!!!!", much to the chagrin of my neighbors, I'm sure.

I'm not sure how close the end really was, or if Rob and Amber were really as close as the editing made it seem, but regardless, it was a nail-biter. And for once, the whole money stripping actually did seem to make a difference, as it really put Uchenna and Joyce behind--big time. But, just like it happened for Rob and Amber in Argentina, Uchenna and Joyce were able to board a plane that looked like it was already locked and loaded....hmmm.

So. A happy outcome. But I, for one, am looking forward to a long break before the next season starts.

Wedding Vows in Vegas

Made it back, and I'm still a little beat. Why are vacations so exhausting?

The wedding was awesome. Beautiful. Perfect in so many ways. And not only that, the after-wedding gathering was one of the best nights I've ever spent in Vegas. Hopefully at some point I will put up some more photos, and some video clips from the evening's karaoke, but for now, here's a candid shot of the blushing bride.

Gonna Set My Soul on FIRE!

I'm going to Las Vegas this weekend for a friend's wedding. She's getting hitched at the Flamingo, a hotel we stayed at almost a year ago (when the above photo was taken.)

I'm looking forward to it, although the whole flying thing has already got me losing sleep. I wish I was flying down with the Hip Hypnotist or the like so they could hypnotize me into thinking I'm a chicken, or that I'm actually on a cool Disneyland ride or something. As it is, I will be in a state of terror for the entire duration of the 90 minute flight.

Not to mention the terror involved in having to wear high heels for an entire afternoon once the wedding time approaches.

I'm FIFTY!! And I LOVE it!!!

Even though Disneyland doesn't officially turn 50 until July, for some reason the big celebration started today. That Disneyland...so greedy! Anyway, I couldn't let this event go by without some comment. In reading the various news stories this afternoon, I came across the map pictured here. At first I thought it was really cool, but then I noticed a bunch of mistakes in their "facts." WHAT WOULD WALT THINK?

You can see a bigger version here.

It's Kind of Like Me Living in a Krispy Kreme

That great white shark at the Monterey Bay Aquarium was bound to realize she was swimming with some delicious snacks sooner or later. And once she started eating her roommates, they decided it was time to set her free. But not without attaching a monitoring device on her first!

I'm glad I got to see her before her escape. It was pretty cool to watch her turn that corner in the huge tank and swim past, because there was no doubting she was, indeed, a great white shark. She just looked tough!

It's Hard to Put a Price on Britney Spears' Urine

Indeed.

It Ain't Just a River in Egypt

SFist! Up! Now! Is!

My Local Helper Monkey is BROKEN!

There's was nothing surprising about last night's The Amazing Race. Gretchen and Meredith in last place? Check. Ron and Kelly fighting? Check. Rob and Amber recruiting a local to do all the thinking for them? Check. Rob and Amber coming in first and getting another FREAKING PRIZE?! Check.

Just bring on next week's finale. I don't care if evil triumphs, I'm done. And for once, I will be thankful for a nice long break between seasons. These last two have been heartbreakers and I need the time to heal.

She Made the Right Choice. Of Course She Must Die!

First, let me admit that yes, I watch Jack and Bobby. I actually don't think it's that great, but the WB is kind enough to offer a nice "Easy View" repeat on Sundays at 6, and what the hell else is on Sundays at 6?

Exactly.

So I watch it. Recently Missy, a teenage character on the show, got pregnant. Being that she was the daughter of a minister, and no longer with the boyfriend that got her pregnant, she tried to trick her ex, Jack, into marrying her. The ruse was exposed and she was kicked out of the house by her parents. The prospect of being a teenage, unwed, homeless mother didn't have much of a draw, so she chose to have an abortion. There was surprisingly little drama about the decision, and the next week she was back in school, depressed, of course--who wouldn't be?--but seemingly OK with the decision.

By the end of the episode, she was dead.

Abortions rarely happen on primetime shows. Usually, the mother-to-be has a change-of-heart about her unwanted pregnancy or, as is more often the case, we get a nice, convenient miscarriage. (Movies aren't immune to this either. Even the "controversial" abortion comedy Citizen Ruth ends with a convenient miscarriage!) I had such high hopes for this "Jack & Bobby" storyline, especially since the show is home to one of the most liberal characters to grace (sorry....her name is indeed "Grace") primetime TV. But no. They couldn't allow the character of Missy to live her life without punishment for her horrible sin, so of course she had to die in a car accident.

The deed is done. The character is dead. And there is no amount of pro-choice bias the show might attempt to pile on now that will change that. And I want to know why more people aren't talking about this! Paging Heather Havrilesky! Yoo-hoo surfergirl! Hey TV Gal, how about giving it more than a "I'm sure it'll turn out fine" comment? I know the show is low-rated, but doesn't this deserve some comment?

I'm waiting...

Who the F**ck Are These People?

I stumbled upon this show called Meet the Barkers on MTV the other day. Since I tend to TiVo so many stupid things on MTV, TiVo thought I'd like it. I didn't. (Bad TiVo!)

Are they just giving anyone a show now? Who the f**ck are these people? Some guy from blink 182?! Who the hell cares? And his wife who won a beauty contest? And now acts, sometimes? Oh, and they have kids. And he has a lot of tattoos. Whooopdie friggin' doo! The episode I saw consisted of Mr. Barker running around approving t-shirt designs, while Mrs. Barker stayed in bed all day sleeping. Riveting. The most exciting part was when the camera focused on a candle that was left burning while she slept, and the wax dripped all over the table and the floor. DRAMA!

The whole thing made Newlyweds look like a Pulitzer Prize-winning documentary about modern marriage. MTV, stop the madness!

I Can. Not. Wait!

Martha's Stewart's new daytime show is set to premiere in September, and I'm very excited, although the format troubles me. The articles says it will contain more guests, interviews, and "makeovers" and anyone who's ever watched her old show knows that Martha is a terrible interviewer. Just awful. Unless the guest is a Muppet, in which case she does OK.

Proof!

A friend called me from back east yesterday because she thought I would appreciate the star sighting she had just had. Apparently she saw David Hasselhoff in the security line at the airport. And then this morning, I see this somewhat bizarre news. Proof she wasn't making the whole thing up! I wonder if the award set off the metal detector?